I Remember You
The Story of T.M.
Blog entry

03/15/06

Yesterday and today have been better than Sunday was emotionally. In all of this though, I've gotten some new information that has just...

well I don't quite know what it's done to me yet. I don't really know how to react to it. You'll see, just keep reading. Be warned though, you might need a tissue.

The samskaras I'm working on now are not so much fear as grief over separation - separation between me and Torlinque. It's been a very personal, intimate and very painful experience. I've been through many memories in the past few days. Some of them were things I'd rather forget but can't.

On Sunday, Torlinque and I replayed the last moments of my incarnations in Lemuria and Sarna again, like a movie in my head.

In Lemuria, I'm in the main hall of the Temple that is open to face the sea on one side. It's dark except for a few dim flames of 3 or so oil lamps, one of which is in my hand. There is a hurricane or bad thunderstorm outside, and no way to escape from the wind really. I'm holding up my lamp, trying to see outside while at the same time trying to secure some objects of some kind. The lightning flashes and I freeze with fear. There is a huge wall of water from the sea about to crash into the village. It hits and I am swept to the back of the room. I remember the feeling of not being able to breathe, my lungs filling with water. I thought about how I had failed all the people I was charged with priestessing to, how I should have been able to warn them, knowing that they would all die and there was nothing I could do. Then the water swept me around and I hit my head hard on a stone column or something (it was hard and made of stone whatever it was), and everything went black.

The next memory was of the Gate at Sarna. I'm 6 degrees out of phase, holding the side of this Gate (K'antor held the other side), and a fireball bigger than my head slams into my left shoulder, head and neck. If I hadn't been out of phase, I could have moved to stop it, destroy it, turn it, something. As it was, I couldn't move. One of the Maidens who was also my young cousin saw it coming. She was halfway through the Gate, the first one to go into it. She grabbed me, or a good portion of me, and pulled me into the Gate. As it collapsed (because I was no longer holding it open) I watched my body fall. I realized that the "anchor" between my soul and body had broken, and I felt Torlinque's nearly unbearable pain as our links rent into pieces.

I've dealt with Fear of Drowning, Fear of Being Overwhelmed/Swept Away, etc. before. This time, I had to forgive myself, out loud, for what I saw as my failure to save my people, failure to accomplish my purpose. That was mighty hard to do, and I'm still not sure I believe it even though I said it. I also had to forgive myself for blaming myself for the pain I felt I caused Torlinque by dying on him like that.

Then he asked me a question.

"Do you remember a boy named [T.M.]?" he said. Now I hadn't thought of [T.M.] in years. I said yes. Instantly all of my memories of [T.M.] from when I was maybe, 4 years old, came flooding back. He was a little black haired boy with olive skin who I knew from church. We were in the same Sunday school class. We were best friends. He and I were chosen to be the ring bearer and flower girl at the wedding of another church member's daughter "because we got along so well". I have memories of how we played silly games during what seemed like hours of the wedding rehearsal, and how we got in trouble for it. I remember the actual wedding, and how the whole church was filled up with people then. I remember how long [T.M.]'s eyelashes were. And I remember how he told everyone we were getting married when we grew up, my hand in his, and that I believed him. I remember how we looked. I had a green and white gingham check floor length dress (that was the style for bridesmaids in the 70's) and he had a little black tuxedo. I remember that there are pictures of us in an album somewhere in my parents' house.

And I remember the day my Mom told me [T.M.] had died. She said he'd died of Reye's Syndrome. She tried to tell me that his parents had had his corneas donated as a way to comfort me, but I didn't understand. It only scared me more because she said, "They cut off the front parts of [T.M.]'s eyes and gave them to someone else so that they can see better." I thought that was the most horrible thing I'd ever heard of. At the time, I didn't really understand what "died" meant. I knew what "cut off" was though, and I knew then I'd never see him again.

So I told Torlinque that yes, I remember [T.M.].

He said, "That was me."

And I knew it was true.

I was already crying, and had been for awhile at this point, but I cried harder.

Torlinque has explained to me previously that when the Gate collapsed, he had run to the Healing Wing of the Temple with my still breathing but souless body in his arms. The Healers had told him I was gone, but that he had made them heal me anyway because I was still breathing saying, "If anyone can come back it is she! She is 'Lesia!". They could see that he was crazy with grief and did what he said because he was threatening to cut their throats if they didn't. He told me that they then put my body into one of the stasis chambers there. He had always told me that he then went and sat in the meditation room of the Temple and traveled out of body that way to come find me. Now he says that that came later, when I was older (13-14 years old) and we were both trying to establish communication.

He told me Sunday night that he was so hell bent on finding me and so grief stricken then that the Healers put him in a stasis chamber too for awhile. While in it, his soul followed me to where I had gone - here. He incarnated here as [T.M.]. Once he found me and knew I was all right, he was no longer grief stricken, and his body in Sarna was able to heal itself, and he woke up which caused [T.M.]'s death. The "anchor" for his soul was stronger in his body in Sarna than it was in the body of [T.M.]. When he woke up there, it literally pulled his soul back to it, like waking up from a dream, and [T.M.] died.

My body in Sarna was too damaged for that to happen for me, and don't you think we didn't try once communication was established between us when I was 14. We did, but the nervous system of my old body was too damaged, and the "anchor" in the one I am in now had become too strong. I am here for the duration. When I was 16, I made the decision to let that old damaged body die for good, not realizing that would end all communication I had at that time with Torlinque and the others. Before we did it, Torlinque installed a Gold Key in me, so he wouldn't lose me again just in case that very thing happened. That body died, and I was all alone again, suddenly.

I fell into a deep Depression that lasted for 15 years. Torlinque had never left me (due to the key), but I could no longer hear him, and I didn't know what he was when I saw him or felt his presence. During that 15 year span, I had given up on Torlinque and the others, dismissing all that as the fantasies of a 14 year old. It was only when I met other Elenari who had also incarnated here, and one of them did some healing work on me that I was finally able to hear Torlinque again in the Send. 2 months after that meeting, Torlinque and I regained full communication.

So for 2 days now I've been grieving separations. I know in my mind that they are illusions. Torlinque and I are not separate from each other and never can be. We are Twin Flames. We are One. Always. Nothing can keep us apart. We are together, just not in the most optimal way right now. So I mourn for myself who died and left Torlinque, breaking his heart. And I mourn for [T.M.], who would have married me when we grew up, only he didn't get to grow up.

I understand that this pain must come out now and be felt because it wasn't when the events happened. I understand why Torlinque linked my memories of [T.M.] with those of Lemuria and Sarna. I understand that this is yet one more samskara among many others I will face as I Ascend and clear all the negativity from myself.

Understanding these things doesn't make the sense of loss any less acute though. It hurts just the same.

Comments to this blog entry:

H: "Those eyes (not the color, the intensity and the look). The ever so slight smirk (though very innocent at this age)... And your obvious contentment and happiness just to be with him.."

Me: Yes. All that, and more memories of [T.M.] returned to me when I saw the picture. Those memories, and the picture were enough. Torlinque does not lie. He and [T.M.] are one and the same.

He used to wrap his arms around me and just stare into my eyes until I started to think it was weird, and he'd keep staring until I didn't care if it was weird or not anymore. He had the most amazing eye lashes ever. He loved me, even at that age. If I was absent from Sunday school, his Mom would tell me the next week that he'd just been beside himself asking her "Where's my girl?"

H: Oh my. There's nobody else [T.M.] could have been. They are indeed the same. He was probably deeply afraid that something would happen to you (again).

Maybe it's a trick of the light, but that ear to our right (his left ear) looks like it's pointing more than a little...