Initiation
Blog entry

05/17/06

I think I finally made it into what others have described as "the Stillness". I've been praying every heartbeat and meditating and really fighting hard to get through the last of the "commotion" (I don't really have a better word for it) - all the fears, pains, annoyances, angers, cares, work tasks/distractions, etc.

Yesterday I felt "squeezed". I just kept repeating, "I choose Love. I choose Love." over and over every time I felt it begin to slip away or myself start to close up again. I kept cranking my chakras open as far as they'd go too.

I tried to maintain in my consciousness that feeling of enormous amounts of energy/Light/Love Flowing down from Source/God/Goddess (this Being has no gender), into me and out in all directions through my chakras that I'd experienced during the Wesak Festival conference call with ASC. In my mind's eye, I burn like a gold/white star with blue edges, but with no heat. I was really able to focus hard on it while I was at the gym, especially during the time I was on the eliptical. It's the free distribution of enormous amounts of Love pouring forth through my chakras to anyone who's near me. It feels really good to do it, but it's a feeling like when a workout feels good, not in a sexual connotation at all - when the body recognizes, "Ah yes, this is my proper function!"

I went home and had a nice evening just puttering around the kitchen cooking, etc. Then, I showered and went in my room to take the white powder gold and finish my book. At the end of the book is a meditation designed to allow God (genderless, remember) to remove any impediments to opening the heart (and I've come to understand that means getting the entire chakra system to a certain vibrational level, not just opening the heart chakra).

During it, one is instructed that one's entire chakra system, the heart, will manifest whatever is held in front of it as long as it is open and the river of Light/Love is rushing/pouring through it (including any negativity). Next, one is instructed to allow God to bring up something that impedes the heart's opening.

In my head I saw someone close to me in this incarnation rise up into my field of view. I watched as the river of Light hit him like a tsunami wave or a lava flow (no heat). It didn't carry him away but dissolved his outer layer instead. I watched as what I see with my physical eyes was stripped away and dissolved to reveal a being made of the same substance as the river itself. This being was glowing with that Light so I could not see his features. I saw where a face should be but the Light was too bright. I did see long dark hair though. The person I know here has long dark hair on this physical plane. It's a very dark brown. It's not as long though as what this "stripped down" being had. He grasped my hands briefly in both of his and then I felt rather than saw him smile, then he was carried up and up and out of my field of vision. I watched in a kind of awed fascination, like a little kid would. I'm not sure if that being was Torlinque or not, or something in between the person I know and Torlinque. I don't know.

The next thing I perceived was complete stillness. The rushing river of Light was suddenly an extremely placid lake - completely still. I was in it, surrounded by it, covered over by it (but I could still breathe just fine), it was all I perceived. Yet at the same time, I knew that I was very, very loved, that the "lake of stillness" was conscious and aware of me, and that this was my place of origin. I remember it. I have remembered it since I was about 14, but hadn't been back there ever. The memory was always like that last little piece of a dream before you wake up, you're not sure exactly what you think you saw.

I rested in it for a moment just because it was such a peaceful change from where I'd been the last few days. I then looked to my left and saw a "commotion" - a cloud of Light that was moving, struggling against itself, boiling. I realized that that place was from where I had just emerged. I looked back to my right, and there was Torlinque, standing very close to me and smiling. So I jumped into his arms and he laughed.

He kissed my forehead and told me he was very proud of me. He confirmed for me that this was indeed the place where we were first conscious of ourselves, and each other (made?), and that my memory was correct. I was very happy because I couldn't not be. All that existed just then was me, Torlinque and God/Source (the lake of stillness). There is only Love. Fear, pain and all that cannot exist there, and I can't explain that, but it makes perfect sense when you're there, along the lines of "how absurd!" or "well, of course not!". It just is that way because it can't be any other way.

I still perceived my physical surroundings too, my bedroom, my body. It was like when I bilocate to Sarna, only it was this "lake of stillness" place, not Sarna. I was happier in the lake place than I am when I'm in Sarna, and Torlinque was there with me, so I didn't care where we were as long as we could stay there. We lay down, all connected like that, and I turned off the light in my room. We didn't talk much, the 3 of us (we 2 and the lake we were (are?) in). There was just this sense of quiet Joy, a "Yes! Of Course!" sort of beautiful acceptance of "This is right and good and perfect." And I slept.

This morning, I still have it, that lake. Torlinque is sleeping, but I feel where he is in relation to me.

I feel that lake existing in every cell of my body, and it doesn't strike me as weird at all. It's still "but of course. How could it be otherwise?" It's akin to lucid dreaming. I've suddenly woken up from the dream of physical reality, and know I'm dreaming, but I haven't left it.

Now that I have been to the Stillness, that lake, I know I can just shift my focus slightly and be there any time I want to, just like I can with Sarna. I grok its "frequency" but I had to fight through a ton of "stuff" to achieve that. I don't feel "squeezed" anymore either. That's a good thing because that was rather uncomfortable.

I think I would be (should be?) screaming and jumping for Joy if I was still who I was until this happened yesterday. As it is, it makes perfect sense so it's not amazing at all, it just is. That doesn't diminish the wonderfulness of what has happened, it's just that now that I'm on this side of whatever I've just crossed, what I've become/the state I've achieved doesn't shock me at all.

Because the lake is conscious and aware of me and loves me, it chooses to envelop and permeate me. It chooses to keep connected with me, now that I have crossed whatever that was that kept me from it, fought my way here. "This is Good, and Right, and Perfect, and I Love you immeasrably. *deep affection*" it says to me without words, blessing me continually. It has its own place to exist outside the "commotion" where we were last night, but it is here inside physical reality with me too, having chosen to come down here into my body with my consciousness. (It surrounds Torlinque too, the One that we are, even though he is sleeping at the moment.)

Torlinque told me that last night, in Sarna (on that level of our existence, I should say, we're both conscious of several levels at once now), there was one of those big banquets for a visiting village's ruling council that happen occasionally. He had to work it in addition to his regular shift. They partied late and he ended up not getting much sleep. So he's making that up this morning.

Of course, as I've always said, the English language is terrible when trying to describe experiences such as this. Elvish is better, but even that would fail for this I think. I promise you that I haven't lost my mind. In fact, I think I just regained a good portion of it.