It Could Be Worse
Blog entry

05/03/06

For 3 days or so there have been samskaras bubbling up from within my system, but not coming out. I think that this has been one of the causes of the low grade sadness I've been experiencing.

Today three samskaras came out. All were the "screaming in agony" type followed by tears. All were pain and negativity centered around the fact that Torlinque and I are not as together as we'd like.

We know that this separation is an illusion created by the Veil and anti-Love forces. It isn't really Real. If all were as it should be, I could simply "step" to wherever he is at any given moment. I remember having the power, individually, not in a draelren, to open small portals and step through them to get where I wished to go. I used to leave for a destination the same moment I needed to be there and arrive perfectly on time. To this day, I have a problem with being late to places. I have to set my alarm clock fast and leave 15 or 20 minutes earlier than I think I have to in order to arrive somewhere on time.

Anyway, 2 of today's samskaras came out of me this morning while Torlinque and I were together. His Love forced them out of me. They were sadness and pain over not feeling that connection with him all the time. Part of me remembers that that level of connection between us is equal to "normal state of consciousness/existence". The fact that we don't exist that way now is a source of pain. They were small and passed quickly.

The third, and worst one, came out right after I left work this afternoon. I was checking my blog really quickly before I left for the gym, and I started to cry at my desk after I posted a comment in another blog. It was just a few tears, but I quickly stifled them and left the building.

I drove to the gym and just sat in the car in the parking lot for a few minutes. We have the car heavily marked, and even though he was on duty, Torlinque opened the links asking, "[Soul Name], are you all right?" I told him that no, I wasn't. He asked if it was another samskara. I told him I thought so. He asked what I needed. I told him I needed a private space in which to have a good cry, and that I wasn't likely to get that at home with the family crawling into my pockets the second I arrive.

He said, "Why not right now? Here in the car?"

At first I balked, a little embarrassed, but my body had other plans and began to cry anyway. He asked me questions that helped to isolate exactly what was upsetting me. It was a combination of grief over the death of [T.M.] and anger at how unfair this situation is for us. I had anger both over my dying at the Gate in Sarna which gave Torlinque a tremendous amount of pain, enough to go nearly mad and need a stasis chamber, and anger that [T.M.] never got to grow up and marry me like he said he was going to do. I wasn't angry at any one person. I was angry at the circumstances and my (perceived at that specific moment) complete lack of power to do anything about it. After crying rather quietly for a couple of minutes the bulk of it came out in one of those "silent screams" I get where my body looks and feels like its screaming, but it's not sound that comes out.

I'm still devastated over [T.M.]'s death. Yes, I realize it's almost 32 years ago now (and counting!). That doesn't matter. I can call that memory up like it was yesterday. I remember exactly what I was thinking when that picture of us I posted was taken. "He's squeezing my arm too tight and it hurts...but I don't care. I'm with [T.M.]. And I'm touching him. Eee!" I used to sit in the church preschool nursery and watch him play out of the corner of my eye and think, "If only he'd let me touch him." Now I know why I thought that of course. Back then, as a 4 year old child, I had no idea why. I only knew I needed to be closer to him.

Afterward that crying/clearing session, instead of feeling better like I had with the first 2, I still felt a bit depressed. I told Torlinque I'd be all right, and he told me that he'd come to me immediately when he got off duty. I went on into the gym and burned 370 calories on the elliptical in a half hour. It didn't make me feel better, just more tired and definitely sweatier. Whatever. It's good for me. As I was leaving the gym I heard Irene Cara singing "Fame" over the PA system. It was the chorus.

Baby look at me
And tell me what you see.
You ain't seen the best of me yet
Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest.
I got a story, and you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hand
Don't you know who I am?

Chorus:
Remember my name (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)
I feel it coming together
People will see me and die (Fame)
I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
Baby, remember my name
Remember, Remember, Remember, Remember,
Remember, Remember, Remember, Remember

Baby hold me tight
And you can make it right.
You can shoot me straight to the top
Give me love and take all I got.
Baby I'm in love
Too much is not enough
I surround your heart to embrace
You know I got what it takes.
I thought it oddly appropriate for the Ascension.

As I got back in the car, it was 5 minutes to 7. Torlinque came into the links and told me he was "going down for ablutions now" which meant he was heading down the steps to the small fountain in the little garden off to one side of the path leading up to the Temple. It is there for ritual/symbolic washing when entering and leaving the Temple area.

He kept the links open with me while I drove home, showered and fixed my dinner. At about 8 they faded out because all his attention was captured by Tolirion and their dinner.

He came back to me a little bit ago asking if I was all right. I told him I was still angry, and that I didn't want it to hurt him. He left and shut down the links telling me he wouldn't return to me unless I called him. Anger can poison the links and cause a lot of pain to the Twin on the other end even when that Twin is not the reason for the first Twin's anger.