Back to the Beginning
Blog entry

11/07/05

Always in the past I have been in opposition to this body I inhabit. I never liked it, it kept me imprisoned, it stopped the flow of my magick, it was ugly and had an ugly hair color, etc, etc. In the last couple of years, I have sought to understand it. I've begun to take better care of it. I've often wondered why I chose this particular family into which to be born since on the surface of our religion and personalities, I have nothing in common with these people. There has to be a reason.

Now, instead of trying to make this body look like what I remember myself as in the past by bleaching (and thereby destroying) its hair, I need to let it be as it is naturally. I am learning what this body is to me, what it can be, how it might aid me in my purposes, from whom its genes come. I'm learning more to accept it as mine as it is instead of focusing on and lamenting what it lacks. "I wish my ears were just a bit more pointed than they are." is not going to get me anywhere.

Due to certain abilities I possess that most people do not, and due to certain visceral emotions deep within, I have always had the feeling that I am not entirely human (some parts of me are not human at all). I've never known exactly what I am, but I feel I am far different from other humans. They feel it too. Even without my making a move or opening my mouth to speak they feel it when they see me. They look into my eyes for the briefest of moments and they can see it, and I see the reaction in theirs. Neither of us is exactly certain as to what "it" is though.

Yes, I do indeed have rather vivid memories of a couple of past lives on Selar. Yes, I feel my soul is not human at all. Yes, I could be classified as Elenari, but even then, I was still different. Even during those lives, I was not quite exactly like the others around me.

No amount of feeling inside me no matter how strong is good enough proof for me of the existence of a difference. Just because I might believe there is one doesn't mean one actually exists. I don't trust anyone, including myself. I am well aware that I may indeed have lost my mind at an early age (9-12) when my abilities first began to manifest.

So, throughout my lifetime so far, I have sought the pieces of the puzzle. I have studied history, linguistics, world religion, migrations and diaspora of various peoples, mythology, archeology, literature, architecture, art, biology, psychology, anatomy, geology, genealogy, physics and chemistry - more out of school than in. I continue to study every day.

Always, I sense I am getting closer and closer to the answer, but yet it still eludes me. A very wise teacher once said to me, "The more you know, the more you realize you don't know." and he was right. Continually, I find new information that blows the lid off what I already thought I knew.

Such has happened again. Again I start over at the beginning, wiser this time for all I've already been through, but at the beginning once more nevertheless.

Again I scream my questions to the stars, "What am I? Why do I feel this way? Why can I do this, and this, and this as naturally as breathing when others cannot? Why do I have to be different? Why am I always alone?"

For all my searching and all of my study I have no answers and no proof.

It may very well turn out that the answers are indeed within, within the body I never liked but now must accept and learn to like. Analysis of my mitochondrial DNA may eventually give me scientific proof of difference. It may also prove that I am entirely human. I am willing to take either risk.

There exist those who have been proven scientifically different. They can trace their genealogy in an unbroken line back to the Anunnaki. I kid you not. The scientists call their mitochondrial DNA "unique".

Mitochondrial DNA is passed down through matrilinear descent. Genealogically, I may be able to eventually prove that I descended from a line that I have proven is a cousin line to them. I don't know if I'll be able to trace back my known line to that lordly cousin line with the same surname as my mother or not. The final proof would be comparing my DNA with those who are "unique", and I know that opportunity may never come for me.

Still, knowing they still exist at all, that there are still pureblood individuals among them, is a huge comfort to me. The abilities ascribed to them are identical to my own. I know I am not, and never will be, pureblood anything in this lifetime, but if I am one of them, however distantly, I may indeed not be alone in the world after all. I have hope of finding an answer, some scientific proof, at last, however fleeting a hope it may be.