A battle
and how I ended up next to Kharie'l in the rear guard from then on

The memory feels like it was just before one of the last battles. We knew they were coming for us again. The weather grid was getting harder and harder to maintain and the firestorms were getting closer. The sky was tinged red from the smoke.

I am standing on the stone observation platform at one of the short ends of the practice field with several other officials. So far in this memory, I can't see who they are, I'm just aware of their presence behind me and to the sides of me. I'm looking out over the practice field and it is filled with about three hundred uniformed Adrastai, all black leather and red sashes, all mine and Kharie'l's.

My heart is very heavy because I know that I am about to send many of them to gory and painful deaths. They are my friends and my brothers. One of my titles is Adrastai'na for one cannot train them unless one is one of them. And I have trained each of those below me for several years usually in squads of eight.

I take a deep breath and walk up to the edge of the platform where the rail is so that they can see me clearly. I do my duty and simultaneously activate the little knot of magick I have placed into each of them, magick meant to sustain them, to protect them, to link them to me and through me to the Goddess, but also meant to harden their hearts and enable them to kill without remorse or hesitation. When it is done, I draw a light-rune in the air above their heads as a sign of blessing, and they raise their fakhai'n crossed above their heads cheering. Then they began the chant:

'Lesia! 'Lesia! A'kia i'athtani! 'Lesia! 'Lesia! A'kia i'athtani! 'Lesia! 'Lesia! A'kia i'athtani!

I close my eyes, and the tears stream down my face.

'Lesia is my title. It translates as either Mother Elf or Star Teacher depending on context. The English equivalent is "High Priestess", but I don't like to use that because of what often happens in Wiccan Circles here.

"A'kia i'athtani" translates as "We live and die for you."

That's the part that made me want to curl up in a ball and die when I first figured out the translation from the little film in my head. I'm sure it's part of the whole thing where, like the village peasants after the Witch, the Celts after Boudicca or the French after Joan of Arc, if the army believes you embody the Goddess, they will follow you anywhere. That mentality is certainly true of Adrastai.

Currently, in Sarna now, out of those 300, and there may have been more than that, there are just over 50 left. Kharie'l has taken on some new boys, but the Maidens aren't me, and I wonder how they'll turn out. I sparred with one of them the other day when Torlinque asked me to walk down to the armory with him. He was rather young and told me his name is Ektherion. I beat him easily, but I could see Kharie'l still knows what he's doing teaching them.

The Adrastai left on foot to go meet the vor'jen before they could reach the village and the Temple. They had been seen on the weather grid nearing our borders. The Maidens and I retired to the Temple with the other officials, but we priestesses went into our private area. There wasn't anything more we could do but wait. At first, I had argued that I should go with the Adrastai, but Kharie'l refused me, and I realized eventually that he was right. It was only a few minutes though before I started up the stairs of the tower to the weather station where I could watch what was happening on the grid system.

I was alone in the tower. I don't know where K'antor was, probably downstairs with the others. I saw the Adrastai engage the vor'jen. And then I began to feel what was happening. I am an empath, a very strong empath. I felt their pain when they took injuries. I tried to use the grid to give them strength, to help guide their skill for I was watching the battle from above. It created too strong a link though. I should have just stayed downstairs and waited with the others, trusting in Kharie'l to bring them home safely.

Then they started to die.

Of course, I felt it. At first I was able to help their souls cross over and pass in to the in-between, but soon, as more and more of them died, the Death became overwhelming. One of the things the vor'jen did was absolutely obliterate souls sometimes, unmade them completely. I was trying desperately to prevent this from happening to any of my boys, but I failed them, and lost a few of them.

Niktai's twin Takei was among them. They were both on "my" squad at the time. When he died, I thought I would too for a moment. Something deep in my heart tells me he is still out there somewhere though. I have searched for him my entire incarnation here. Niktai still grieves for him. Torlinque and I keep close watch on him for signs of fading.

Even though they suffered heavy losses, the Adrastai were victorious, the village and the Temple were unscathed. Those who survived came back to us, many of them injured. Of course, they all came straight to the Healing Wing of the Temple to be healed and cleansed.

That's when K'antor began looking for me. I should have stayed downstairs. If I had, I would have been fine and been of better use to those who survived. I had done a very stupid thing.

K'antor found me on the floor of the weather station curled up in a ball, unconscious. He was both very freaked out and furious with me at the same time. He picked me up and raced to the Healing Wing with me in his arms.

I was healed and cleansed along with the others, but it wasn't enough to get rid of the emotional pain. For that, I went into the holiest of inner chambers of the Temple, and there I stayed for 2 entire days.

When I came out, I was functioning fine again. I still carry plenty of guilt and regret though. K'antor gave me an earful and told me I was no longer allowed in the tower without him, which was fine with me.

Kharie'l gave me an earful too. We had a huge fight that resulted in lots of tears from both of us, and actually resulted in our becoming closer. Kharie'l is a bit of a father figure to me at times. We agreed that from then on, I would go with the Adrastai to battle, but would remain in the rear guard with him. This was the end times, remember. Normally I would never have gone, but they needed my magick especially with so few left and no time to train more.

Being in the rear guard was fine with me. I didn't need to be up front for my magick to be effective. If any vor'jen came within close enough range, I had my own set of fakhai'n to use if necessary. I usually carried a longbow and quiver as well. Mostly, I fought with my magick though.

Before the Gating, a few more Adrastai died in ambushes, but I didn't let a single one die on the battlefield. If I was there, they were safe. I would trace Time and make the vor'jen visible, unable to cloak themselves. I would outright kill them too, stopping their hearts or setting them on fire from the inside out.

And I became a ruthless killer in those dark days. Back then, I absolutely hated the vor'jen for what they had done to us, to me. It was in those days that I invented the Ritual of the Rabbit to cleanse the Adrastai and myself of Death because the Maidens and I could not keep up with all the kills being made. It was a primitive thing, a transfer technique, base and low magick, but we were desperate. I had to do something. You should have seen my face when I first read that the same technique was often used here on Earth by Italian and English Witches to remove diseases from people.

I don't have hatred for anyone now. There is some grief and guilt left to deal with though. The boys I lost are out there somewhere. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the ones that were unmade though. I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt of being mostly whole when so many are not. I was built and trained to withstand a lot more pain and trauma than most Elves were ever meant to experience, so it makes sense that I have so many memories and still retain our language when others do not.